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7 Terrible Childhood Influences

We sat down and started talking about nightlife and soon realized most of us had been bred for it from an early age.

From video games to even the ice cream man, here are just some of the the influences that honed our finely crafted party machines.

7. Rocko’s Modern Life

This show taught us at a ripe age what to expect when we grew up in this crazy world. From Filbert’s monotonous “Ya turn the page, ya wash ya hands” work mantra and the eerily realistic depictions of animals as people and corporations that own EVERYTHING,we quickly figured out the importance of escapism.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that’s right.

6. Great Fairy’s Fountain (The Legend of Zelda)

The Great Fairy’s Fountain (shown here from Ocarina of Time) represents every bar that we’ve ever been to. Promising wonderful spirits to cure your troubles and make you feel better, it’s always there when you need it.  Most of these bars will also sport a mildly attractive female bartender, who will only get more attractive with the more they serve you. Your local neighborhood bar always has open arms for you to come visit, but unfortunately outside of Hyrule, it’s for a well-deserved and modest price.

It takes more than a few drinks to make this Bartender hotter.

It takes more than a few drinks to make this Bartender hotter.

5. Chuck E. Cheese’s

Chuck E. Cheese’s is the epitome of a ‘Kiddie Casino’. For a mere quarter, you can play games of skill and chance to earn tickets for all of the prizes that fueled your wildest Dreams. OF COURSE I can win that 5000 Ticket prize! You would reassure yourself that with a few rounds of Skee Ball, it was in the bag. Yet in the end, you never made it out with more than 200 tickets buying you a few stickers and an unbreakable mustache comb.  Anyone else notice they are set up just like current day casinos, no windows, no clocks, and all the blinking lights you could ever want.

What's the white stuff on your nose Chuck? Just let the 5 year old take the wheel, man.

What’s the white stuff on your nose Chuck? Just let the 5 year old take the wheel, man.

4. Disney Movies

Disney gave us irrational expectations on love and happy endings. After a few drinks, anyone can feel like the bell of the ball. Across the dance floor, there’s your Prince / Princess. You go to say hello, then in the flip of a record, the tunes change and they saunter off with some other hottie and the magic carpet is ripped from under your feet.

Disney, you lied to us, and now my voice is gone and so is my shoe.

Disney, you lied to us, and now my voice is gone and so is my shoe.

3. Tapper

Tapper, or as a few of us owned it, “Root Beer Tapper”, was set up in bars everywhere as a game promoting Budweiser. It later soared into an American staple of video games.  We knew that cold hard brewski was perfect for every cowboy, athlete, rocker and yes, alien. (We don’t remember any Alien Levels when we were kids, maybe we were just that bad, but a few Quarters at the Barcade confirmed it) What’s better than winding down with a drink or two served by your favorite mustachioed Suds Slinger?

BEERS FOR EVERYONE!!

BEERS FOR EVERYONE!!

2. Cookie Monster

The Infamous Cookie Monster not only fueled Juvenile Diabetes for years, he also taught us the art of letting loose through gross over indulgence. He was one puppet who knew how to party, and boy did he ever… Chocolate Chip, Oatmeal, Peanut Butter, the world was his oyster cookie.  Taking after his spirit, we’ve all tried new and interesting concoctions.

B is for Booze, which is good enough for me…

B is for Booze, which is good enough for me…

1. Ice Cream Man

If there was anything that childhood taught us, it was the concept of last call through our friendly neighborhood ice cream truck. If he drove up your street and you weren’t ready, you were out of luck.  The same applies to last call. If you miss it and everyone has a drink but you, you’re left sad and without a Blue Tornado Bar while everyone else enjoys their delicious treats in hand.

We still check our pockets when we hear his wistful tune.

We still check our pockets when we hear his wistful tune.

What did we miss that helped corrupt your childhood?

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Theodore Drnktobedne