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Being A Wing Girl

I’ve found myself in a lot of platonic relationships with my best guy friends. (This usually happens after I’ve slept with them once, but that’s another story for another day…) In doing so, I’ve learned the importance of my role as the proverbial wing girl.

As a hetero-normative, straight, female, I won’t pose a threat as competition. I won’t be competing for the attention of that lovely lady in the shadows with flowing locks of violet hair.

Chances are, I’ll run into her in the bathroom within the first hour of the night. We’ll bond over the muffled sounds of our favorite song wavering through the paper thin walls and SNAP! I’m her new bestie for the night. We’ll head back to the bar where you’ll be waiting and before you know it, a quick “Haaaveee you met my friend?” will ensue.

The perfect wing girl has mastered the art of making conversation with both parties without blatantly pushing her best guy onto the prospective lady. Let’s face it, if things work out, I might want to be her friend too.

There’s also the art of subtlety that only certain male counterparts seem to have mastered. Experience is everything in such a situation. I know I wouldn’t want some guy’s friend approaching me saying “Hey, my friend, ‘so and so’, thinks you’re hot/smokin’/slammin’/foineeee.”

NO. Go away. I’m not your dog.

Accordingly, a simple “Hey, that dress looks great on you!” goes a long way. A very long way.

With a wing girl, you’re now all too appealing because you’ve got an attractive woman placed an approximate distance away from you. It’s science, trust me. We’re also talented at removing ourselves at the right time. Stay around for too long and this lavender vixen will begin to wonder “Why isn’t she dating him if he’s so great?” or “What exactly is going on between them?” I’ll leave just as gracefully as I appeared, that’s the key. More than likely, I’m off in the corner pounding tall boys to compensate for my loneliness. (AGAIN. Another story.)

My job is to pull them in, befriend them, make them feel comfortable. I show off a few of your best features and on my way I go. The rest of the work is yours to handle. If you can’t keep up the conversation that I started, you two probably won’t want to be together anyway.

Wing girls will almost always seal the deal. Regardless of whether you’ve got her number or not, I most likely have. She and I are friends now, at least “going out” friends. And, this will like, totally increase your chances of seeing her again. Hopefully she doesn’t think you’re utterly revolting or shit’s gonna get WEIRD.

Any accomplishment you make during this time is only yours to revel in, call me Innocent bystander #1. I will have only cleaned the jugs and filled them with milk. It’s your job to deliver them and fuck the housewife.

If I can’t fulfill my empty promises, chances are I’ve got a hot friend for you just around the corner. Win, Right?

Having A Wing Girl From A Guy’s Perspective.

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