“An average crowd, on an average night, on an average weekend. It’s perfect.”
We were coming down off the beautiful nightmare PEX. Our minds were still reeling from last weekend. Insanity, colors, chaos, dammit. If we had to venture out, it would be a pub. Pubs were designed for mellow evenings. They all have a barrage of objects nailed to the walls like sports equipment, strange pictures and animal heads designed to keep people relaxed. It comes from the Garage Sale Fail Effect. The GSFE prays on your psyche by reminding you of various hobbies you gave up on. “Check out that [insert object]…yeah, I used to [verb] but then I quit and sold it. This way patrons are kept in a disillusioned state and focus on beer and television trying to ignore their failures. We played the Jersey Pub Shuffle, (close your eyes and point at a list of bars), the winner was The Catch It Grog and Grill.
We got to the bar and sat down. Bartender in a hat raised one eyebrow and eyed us up. Without words, he placed a round of PBR in front of us. Was he a mind reader, mentalist or magician? Either way we were impressed. He held up two fingers and pointed at each of us. Solid price for a solid beer. I took a sip and noticed an unusual amount of noise filled the bar. Dirt bike sounds, laughter, commotion about a cheating bastard at pool, and how someones panties need to come off followed by unmanly giggling. Who was I to judge? Dirt bike racing was cool.
Heat beat down on my back. I turned around and was startled by the massive television generating solar flares. What the hell! My arch enemy 4000 degree T.V., we meet again. A petite pretty bartender decked out with ruby red lipstick and a barrage of tattoos stared at me. She just smiled and blinked innocently; but I’m the untrusting type. She’s the devil. I’m sure of it, and not just because it was hot as hell in here. God damn T.V.
As we finished our drinks, she made another appear in front of us. What sorcery was this? I suppose the refill was welcome, but we should probably… My thoughts were interrupted by shouting near the pool table. A bouncer descended with ninja like reflexes and whisked the man away. ‘Everybody was Kung-fu fighting…’played softly from the jukebox, Clutch grinned and put his phone away. When we looked back shots were lined up at the bar. Where did these come from? JB pointed at the red haired she-devil. Vile concoctions were placed before us and as men, we had no choice but to accept. Drink the elixir now, exercise the demons later.
JB and Clutch looked troubled. “What? What’s wrong?,” I asked. “The bartenders know what we’re thinking, it’s crazy,” said Clutch.“Yeah something’s off,” added JB. It was time to balance things out. “Look there’s a jukebox over there. See the people trying to put on songs?,” said Clutch. “I can control the thing from my phone, so whatever we put on will look like they picked it.” That diabolic bastard, he was the one that played ‘Kung-fu fighting’ earlier.
We decided to match evil with evil. We hand picked our moment to attack. An unknowing older couple stood by the Jukebox deciding which Ace of Bass song should be played next. We made our move. “Doo doo da doo doo, Mahna Mahna!”(if you have no idea, click here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N_tupPBtWQ&feature=fvwrel) The song played over and over. Customers glared at the dumbfounded couple while we sat like angels in the corner with our hands folded and smiling. The bar tenders shot us a look. How could they possibly know it was us? An old man in a flannel got out of his seat and waved his hat in the air excitedly. We started laughing. Yes, we had defeated them at their evil drinking game…or maybe we were just really wasted off cheap drinks and it was time to go home.
The bottom line:
|Hours: 11 a.m. – 2 a.m.
Music: DJs | Live | Jukebox
|Price range: $$
Accepts Credit Cards: Yes
|Dance floor: No
Outdoor area: No
Coat check: No
What separates one pub from another are the bartenders. On this particular night we stumbled into some fun. This place has a great atmosphere and laid back clientele. There’s usually a free live band or performer on the weekend. Drinks are cheap and the food is pretty good. All in all, it’s worth a checkout if you’re up for a mellow night.
110 White Horse Pike Oaklyn, NJ 08107