I’d like to offer up a preface to the madness that I’m going to write about. Dirty Diamond for all intents and purposes came into existence as a two-man Neil Diamond cover band with “filthy” lyrics, featuring Dirty Diamond himself and the intimidating Sleazy-E. By filthy I mean somewhere between disease ridden hooker and a port-a-potty on the last day of Bonnaroo. The show evolved into an alcohol fueled karaoke car wreck that you can’t take your eyes (or ears) off of. With that said, enjoy.
The details of the event were fuzzy to me, like an ether soaked rag to the face. All I knew was that I was in for a surprise.
“Z, it’s Skinny Pete. The Legendary Dobbs. Mike Hans. Boxers. Get here NOW.”
I shuddered in horror, afraid I was being roped into seeing another Mike Hans GAY4PAY event.
Instead of describing the show (you NEED to see it for yourself to appreciate it), I present to you:
A Friendly Guide To Life by Dirty Diamond and Sleazy-E.
1. Get that abortion soon.
The opening number started the night off lightly with a tune about “getting that abortion soon” before it’s too late.
2. F*ck Pants.
This was one of the strongest principles of the night. When I arrived, Dirty Diamond was on stage chugging a Pabst and taking a shot in his boxers. “NO ONE CAN SEE MY BALLS, RIGHT? I’M JUST FEELING THE BREEZE TONIGHT.” – Dirty Diamond.
3. Feeling feelings is important.
In this case, the feelings were about his youth and losing his virginity to the “beautiful” mentally handicapped girl-next-door.
“I knew that pussy was good from the start.” -Dirty Diamond.
4. Everyone usually leaves 3 songs in.
“So here’s a song about fisting girls.” – Dirty Diamond
It was the this exact moment that I realized I had become jaded with nightlife. At some point, waving a giant rubber dildo fist while yelling about fisting a girl had become normal to me.
5. People are drunk on the cock.
“You’re a filthy ass c*nt.”
“You’re shit out of luck.”
“When you’re drunk off the cock.” -Dirty Diamond and Sleazy-E.
6. Ballads can be sung about anything.
“I suck dick for coke.”
“I’ll let you f*ck me in the ass and I know you’re not gay, so what do you say?
“Give me coke.” -DD
7. This includes Snuff Films.
“Never mind that knife on the shelf”
“F*cking and killing helps get us through our day.” -DD & Sleazy-E.
8. Missing shoes are more important than missing pants.
“Has anyone seen my f*cking shoes? -DD (he stepped over them four times)
“They’re right f*cking there…nevermind.” – Sleazy-E.
9. Sweet Caroline can have better lyrics.
“Sweet Cocaine-Lines, never felt so good… so good.” -DD & Sleazy-E.
10. Sex without condoms is awesome.
“Aaaarrgggghhhhhh my cock is on fire!”
“That bitch was a liar!”
“You said I was the exception!” -DD
Skinny Pete on the evening:
Passerby’s on South St. stood on the sidewalk and gawked at the group through the open faced front end of Dobbs. Some smiled and laughed while most gave a disapproving shake of the head before walking on disgusted, returning to that austere and safe place in their heads where most boring people lived. Multiple times throughout the show Dirty Diamond climbed down from the stage and prostrated himself on the floor while his limbs flailed in a spasm similar to a man being healed by the unholy power of an iterant satanic evangelist. The crowd stared in wonderment at his sweaty enthusiasm for debauchery while Sleazy-E lorded over the scene in a full black suit and a leg up on the stage monitors like a king would judge a jester.
Rejuvenated by a shot of gut-rot whiskey, Dirty Diamond sprang up from the floor and scrambled up on the bar with the grace of a kid climbing the kitchen counter to get to the cereal in the cupboard above it. Except in this case the cereal was as much beer as he could shove into his face hole. The crowd surged forward to touch and be near this larger than life figure that now towered above them in his socks and boxer shorts to end the night with a final song and drink.
The bottom line:
If you’re a fan of dark humor and then you need to see Dirty Diamond. It’s so over the top that you’re guaranteed to be the most offended you’ve ever been or completely laugh your ass off. Either way you’ll have something to tell your friends at the office about for a week.
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