“It was a sea of orange spray tans as far as the eye could see.”
Checkmate. Our fates were sealed and ladies in plaid skirts were calling. Our venture to Shady Katies proved one thing, Dublin Square was next on our list.
My phone rang repeatedly, I waited before answering. I never trust the first ring or an overly excited JB. “You-and-Clutch-need-to-get-here, NOW,” shouted JB in one long excited word. I returned the excitement, “OKAY-we-need-to-get-Bella-Banana-first-then-we-will-be-there!”. Bella was familiar with this establishment and it seemed only appropriate to bring a tour guide.
We arrived to a surprisingly crowded parking lot. A large impressive wooden structure loomed in the background. A fire pit raged out front signaling to the natives that there was “Tá óil a dhéanamh”, (Irish for drinking to be done). I approved, so long as that was an accurate translation…I rarely trust a chain bar.
“You guys are totally going to love this place, it’s classy and the waitresses are seriously gorgeous,” said Bella matter-of-factly. I was about to argue, but I enjoyed being Jersey classy and why would I want Bella to be wrong.
Our ids were quickly scanned and we made our way inside. Suddenly I noticed the stares of sparkly orange glitter people, one made eye contact. I was in their territory. Was the appropriate custom to make eye contact, smile or look away. I opted for a drink, and a better view. JB waved at us from a balcony. Directly underneath him was a cover band fortified with funkiness. Rick James’s Super Freak blared off key.
We made our way upstairs. “Did-you-see-these-waitresses!? CHECK OUT THAT BLONDE,” said JB still excited. Clutch made a few inappropriate gestures, Bella shook her head in something between agreement and disgust. I took a quick look over the balcony. It was a sea of spray tans, glitter, coach, and poofy hair as far as the eye could see.
The upstairs bar was sparse. “I would like a…” the bartender walked away, pandering to two blondes on the corner. Sure, okay, blondes first, I understand that…now we’re up. He wandered back muttering to himself himself some kind of joke. I only heard the words liquorice and doorknob as he laughed to himself. Our eyes locked, with my money in hand, “Hey how about a…” The bartender walked off again. Ordering a drink seemed futile, thwarted by a bartender with an extreme ADD. The manager walked over, “What can I get you, sorry about that.” Something seemed off but I was ready for a Guinness. JB ordered up a Zombie Killer for $21 dollars, Smithwick’s was $8, Yuengling and Guinness were $5. For a second, I swore I heard our wallets groan.
We stood by the balcony. The cover band jumped around playing Montell Jordan’s This is how we do it. I eagerly awaited for a MC Hammer cover. Homely women wiggled about, spilling their drinks. I knew I had seen these dance moves before…but where? It came to me. They had moves like Carl Winslow.
PEW, PEW, PEW, POW. What the hell was that? I dragged my eyes away from the dancing. A disgruntled gray haired gentlemen was standing with his face two inches from a television. Didn’t anyone ever warn him that could cause brain damage? Far be it from me to tell him. Upon a closer investigation he was pretending to play duck-hunt with his finger, shooting all the scores on ESPN. I’m rarely surprised anymore.
I returned to JB and Clutch having a serious discussion. “I bet we can clear out the entire dance floor,” said Clutch. I was intrigued. How could they clear out a bunch of women with no shame? “I’m in, let’s go,” replied JB. They made their way to the dance floor. What could they possibly do? Passing gas was possibly too immature and for that matter easy. Bad dance moves obviously had no effect. Then it happened. Clutch extended his hands, JB matched, they proceeded to slow dance. A girl behind them gagged, within 30 seconds everyone cleared out. The balcony erupted in cheers and shouts and it was time to go.
The bottom line:
|Hours: 11 a.m. – 2 a.m.
Music: DJs | Live
|Price range: $$$
Accepts Credit Cards: Yes
|Dance floor: No
Outdoor area: Yes
Coat check: No
We’ve also been to Dublin Square in Bordentown and Washington Township, they are all nice establishments. Drinks are a bit pricey, even for the area. The fire pit out front was really nice if you smoke or if you need some air. The waitresses are all beautiful and friendly, and the short plaid skirts are a bonus. Even though we joked that the place is full of overly tan people, everyone was very respectful and kept to themselves. Even if some people want to act like jerks. The other bartenders were very quick to get us drinks. It’s a great place to take a date and enjoy some semi-authentic Irish food!
482 Evesham Road Cherry Hill, NJ 08003