DELAWARE VALLEY, PA.– Hurricane Kingpin swept through the Delaware Valley this week, causing mayhem and destruction in it’s wake. Early reports of the storm included descriptions of brightly colored suits, fedoras and gin soaked karaoke.
“I was just there tending to the customers, ya know? Then it suddenly hit. It was just chaos and I swore I heard the lyrics to You’ve Got The Touch,” said one local bartender.
The storm picked up devastating power as it reached Philadelphia circling the city like an inebriated raging bull in a china shop.
Several places including, The Barbary, Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar, Teri’s Bar, The Dive, and your mother’s personal liquor cabinet were hit the hardest.
“I stopped out to have one beer with my girlfriend. Then this party just formed around us. I don’t even know what happened and where the f*ck did all these strippers come from?” commented local resident Skinny Pete of Citywide Photography.
Many sought out refuge in outskirts of the Philadelphia suburbs to avoid looting and the unexplainable disappearance of dozens of lawn gnomes, circulars and ice cube trays from local residents homes. Sources also indicated that a long list of apologies to Walmart employees are in order for what could only be referred to as “Motorized cart jousting”.
When reached for comment, Kingpin’s hometown offered only this prepared statement:
“Fueled mostly by caffeine and alcohol, Hurricane Kingpin led the great city of Philadelphia and its surrounding areas into an increasing intensifying downward spiral. The week of September 29th henceforth known as ‘Kingpin’s Birthday’, brought most of the city to its knees while partying with no concern for anything or anyone around it.
As you piece your life and week back together again, we hope that through the support of family, friends, and Team TD2BD that we can put right which once went wrong and hoping that each apology will last.”
The monster typhoon is said to be returning one more time on FRIDAY, October 18th at Medusa Lounge disguised as Fester Addams to celebrate Halloween, alongside of some family and friends who missed it the first time.
“May God have mercy on all of our souls,” said a Medusa Lounge regular.