“DUDE! Roc! What the fuck are you doing?!” Kai yelled as the beer pong ball went sailing over the cup I had been aiming for.
To be honest, I had no clue what I was doing. I was drunk.
It was the last night of my first senior year of college. My roommate, Kai, had graduated today and we decided that we would need to party hardy together one last time. Fortunately for us, the occupants of the 515 Pitney house were throwing a farewell party that was straight out of a Brent Easton Ellis novel.
This was (without a doubt) the biggest party I had ever been to. From my vantage point, I saw cute girls and drunken dudes as far as my eyes could see. At a quick visual estimation, it looked like roughly 200 people were at this party already, and it was only 11:30 pm. I felt a little like Nick Carraway as I watched the semi-delusional grandeur of it all.
Not far behind where I was standing were two pickup trucks. Each truck’s bed was entirely filled with kegs. Another quick visual scan told me that there had to be at least eighteen kegs. At the foot of each truck bed stood two dudes who were constantly pumping kegs and filling cups for needy drunkards who had their arms out waiting. Five bucks would buy you all the beer you could want.
I took a sip from my beer cup. We were in a backyard (and under the cover of several large maple trees) and all the cups on the table had been exposed to all sorts of earthen debris. Drinking each cup as they were made by the other team was a disgusting and painstaking process. As I sipped from my current beer, our opponents bounced a shot and snuck it past me, landing it one of the cups.
We were now down two cups to six. Things were looking grim.
I must reiterate – I was drunk. I was much smaller than Kai, so while he was still able to function after seven straight wins in a row, I had started to feel the ugly effects of my Time Travel Juice.
“Fuck! Roc! Come on man, don’t blow this for me.” Kai handed me one Red Solo and I poured it into my already half-filled cup of beer, tree bark, and plant matter.
“I’m durnk, you fuggin’ ayeshoal.” I mumbled.
We had won seven consecutive games no problem, and everyone on the list wanted a piece of us. Games 1-5 I was on point; I played beer pong like never before. I was making bounce shots and Island cups and I even got a Death Cup in one round and ended the game prematurely.
Game six was… rougher. I tried lighting a cigarette and dropped it into my beer. I knocked one of our own cups over. I had hit the drunken-sweet spot though during that game despite my decreased ability to function. I had made four out of the six cups on the table and the mother fucking wind had been blowing.
But game seven was destroying me. They still had every single one of their cups and I was just fucking flubbing every shot I took.
“Dude. Roc Man. This is probably my last game of beer pong in college, and for all we know it could be the last game of beer pong we ever play together again. I need you to step it up right now. If nothing else, we need to make one of the cups so at least we don’t get shut out. That will effectively ruin my entire college experience. Do you want that on your head pussy?”
“I love you Kai. You fuggin, cunty summamabitch. You and me, we’ll… we’ll phhlay again. I promish you that mush.”
“Fuck, okay. I need you to concentrate, and get your head back in this game you fuckin’ Space Monkey! Here, take this. It’ll make you feel better.”
Kai handed me something that looked like a cigarette at first glance. It was not, in fact, a cigarette. I coughed and as I did Kai lit up an actual cigarette and handed it to me. I washed down the cough with more beer and leaf particles.
The cigarette brought me back to life slightly. It cleared my head for just long enough to realize that I was about to blow my best friend’s last game of college beer pong after going undefeated for more than an hour straight.
“Better?” he asked.
“S’good nuff.” I grunted. It would have to be. “Mmmmmmmm switch sposts wif me. Need to callerbrate mah Chi.”
I switched over to the other side of the table and closed one eye. I lined up the shot and threw a quick glance at Kai. He saw it, and he knew the play. We had used it so many times on unsuspecting opponents. I steadied my hand as if to shoot and balked the shot, and as I did so Kai bounced it. The other team was so thrown off guard that they knocked over their back right cup, leaving Kai’s bounce shot unopposed so it could go right in to one of the middle cups. As they pulled all three of those fallen soldiers off the table, I thrust my pong ball into the air towards the back left cup. It sunk.
With the closing of an eye and a subtle nod we had tied the fucking game. Four cups in a single turn. That was (as far as I could recall) a personal best.
“YAH BABY!” Kai bellowed as he slapped my hand. I took another drag on my cigarette as the other team rolled back the balls. We were back in the game, but our luck didn’t last. Our rollback shots were more worthless than trying to yield blood from a stone.
Our enemies weren’t down for the count just yet either. This shot was gunna be a nail biter. The opponent in the blue and orange striped polo shirt and Abercrombie jeans shot ball and made it into one of our last two cups. Abercrombie’s partner, American Eagle, shot and the pong ball hit the inside rim, causing the ball to spin and spin but not actually hit the beer inside. At the moment, as our beer pong career’s seemed to be ending in front of us, I swore everyone around the table was holding their breath.
I was too far gone to be of any help, and before Kai could even get his fingers near the cup, the ball spun back out and onto the ground.
The collective exhalation was audible. With one cup left, we lined up our shots. This very well could have been it.
I turned to Kai and stuck out my hand.
“No matter what happens, it’s been a pleasure playing with you, friendo.”
Kai grabbed my hand firmly and shook it in the most sincere and firm handshake I’ve ever had.
“The pleasure is all on this side of the table buddy.” and with that, we each turned to face our challengers.
I closed one eye and lined up my thumb to the cup on left, while Kai took the right. I saw Kai throwing his at the exact same moment. Each ball found its home at the bottom of its intended target. We had won the day.
The people around us said things like “DAMMMMMMMNNNNNNN” and “oh shit!” and those who saw clapped and commended both teams on such a good game. We shook hands with our defeated foes, and they exited stage left. The next pair shouted that they were up and hopped up in front of the table.
“You guys ready?” the female on the right asked.
Kai looked at me with a face I recognized. I knew what he was doing, and I nodded my head in agreement.
“Actually,” he said, “We’re pulling the George Costanza. You always go out on a high note. I won eight games straight without being knocked off the table. You can play whoever you want.”
“We retire.” I said, purposefully knocking over our last two cups. We turned away from them and walked towards the keg with a sense of triumph and pride, while the spectators around us remained confused.