“It’s all about getting white girl wasted.” – Clutch

Tonight we were a couple of insufferable bastards with a journey in our hearts and a tall bottle of rum. It bothered me that we had no direction, half empty glasses, and no bar to review. If this were a truck it was loaded down with wet sand and the brakes were out. Jesus grab the wheel! I couldn’t be sure it would last; boredom and loathing were a powerful combination. Clutch poured himself another glass and stared at the nearly empty bottle. I wondered what was going through his head. He grabbed the bullhorn from his bedroom. “Pantywaist-chickenshit bananas, god dammit, let’s get going before I punch a hole in the floor!” Clutch yelled out the window. Followed by a loud WOOAWOOAWOOA siren sound. My sentiments exactly.

We decided to challenge Olde City to a night of debauchery. JB gave us a sober lift to Philly. “You kids go play, I’m heading to work,” he said as he pushed us out of the car. This review had to be exceptional. We had no goal in sight; everywhere and anywhere could be our friend. The concept was simple yet we had a hard time coming to terms with it. 5000 places to go, and not a single place we wanted to stay. Olde City had us at a handicap. Short attention spans prevented us from focusing. “ARRGHHHH,” yelled Clutch. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I’m sick! I need some PBR,” groaned Clutch. I had to get him help right away; it was a matter of life or clarity.

We rushed through the doors of Lucy’s Hat Shop to get Clutch a cure. “Two PBR and two SoCo and Lime,” I barked at the bartender. He slammed two beers and two glasses on the counter while casually flipping a bottle of SoCo in the air. He knew it was urgent. Clutch seemed relieved. “Drinks are cheap,” I said. “Get them white girl wasted,” Clutch replied. He was right. Lucy’s knew how to tame a crowd of deranged 21 year olds. Get them intolerably drunk and let them loose on Philly.

The place was fairly crowded and more patrons poured in behind us. “Escape the madness, head to the back,” I said to Clutch. We pushed our way through the crowds of deafening college girls and guys who just hit drinking puberty. Dante would have been proud of this circle of Hell.

As we transitioned from one room the music got louder. The DJ amped up typical bar tunes; Mr. 305, Sir Mix A-Lot, and T-Pain were no certainly no strangers to the mix. Half naked ladies let loose grinding up on guys, girls, and anything else that stood still long enough. A few girls in dresses, made of what I think was duct tape, tried to get their dates to dance. I could see the girl’s mental process. “Okay moron, Step 1, 2, screw it. I’m going to grind up on the girls instead.” The guy shoved his hands in his pocket first confused then amused at the girls dancing. At least he could enjoy the show before another guy steals them away.

Clutch came over with a beer in each hand. “This place makes no sense, I’ll see if more beers help,” said Clutch. I couldn’t stop him from trying and decided to match his game. It seemed like the only way to bring clarity to a situation like this. As the drinks took grip I realized the appeal of Lucy’s. The heavy bass kept you on your toes while half clothed girls danced everywhere and Broseph’s had a lack of concern about their dates. Anyone that remained level headed would make a killing here. With the right words and some quick moves anyone could get laid here. Lucy’s could quite possibly be one of the great wonders of the Olde City, though I was told to check The Plough and the Stars soon.

Clutch and I made our way towards the train home. Lucy’s still had an effect on us, or perhaps it was the drinking. We were savage with laughter making friends with everyone. Some stared, some joined in the laughter. What the hell were we doing wandering the city at 3 A.M. anyway? It was time to get home.

The Bottom Line:

Hours:  5 p.m. – 2 a.m.
Crowd:  College | Trendy | Casual
Music: DJs | Background
Price range:  $
Accepts Credit Cards:  Yes
ATM: Yes
Dance floor:  Yes
Outdoor area: No
Coat check: No

If you’re looking for a place to get wasted and dance your pants off, Lucy’s is the spot for you! Cheap drinks all night long. There’s an upstairs and a downstairs and you’re minutes from everything in Olde City. As noted, it’s a college bar scene!

Lucy’s Hat Shop
247 Market St, Philadelphia, PA