“I hate this place.” Then why are you here? “I don’t know I just keep coming back.”

One, two, three, four, uno, dos, tres, cuatro…I know you want…wait, what was I doing. I was either counting the number of lumpy sorority girls in heels or I’ve just strode into Richeez and the DJ is shaking the foundation with Pitbull.

My suspicions and curiosity peaked immediately. There’s mirrors on every wall. Was I at a cheap hotel converted into a bar? Ah yes, I understand now. I can feel like an Adonis, a hero, the Cadillac of men  by staring at myself all night as I make poor decisions.

The longer I was there an overwhelming feeling washed over me. Regret comes to mind, then panic and desperation. Something was siphoning the life out me…one horrible song at a time. The only logical cure seems to be downing a Jack and coke.

It’s preposterous to think anyone would come here willingly. There’s Amazonian women in heels, savage by nature of course. On further inspection, could these really be the lovely lady lumps people speak of? I certainly hope not, for everyone’s grandchildren sake.

The dance floor is full of flailing and fidgeting men. This must be Richeez mating call. It appeared that a few gentlemen have taken it upon themselves to punch the air and shuffle their feet. Clearly an attempt to secure dominance. The only cure for this place seemed to be another drink. The night was suddenly better. Was it the alcohol or an unholy force dragging my soul to hell.

Well now, several drinks in and I swore I saw a few models. Maybe it’s time to shine. A titan in a dress comes before me with a smarmy look on her face and drink in hand, “Hi, my names Krista”, I see you here a lot.” “Nice to meet you Krystal,” I replied. “My names Krista,” she said dumfounded. “Well, let’s be honest Krystal sounds nicer” She angrily tramped off, steadily spilling her drink along the way. I suppose it’s not my time to shine.

There was an sound from behind me. I spun around and was greeted by two gigantic women smacking their lips. Chicken fingers and chicken wings were spread out all over the counter. What a horrible sight, I needed to look away. It was then that I noticed two familiar looking girls in the back. Son of a bitch. It’s my ex-girlfriends best friends. I turned to Clutch and JB. “Look see those two? I said. They drunkenly nodded their heads. “Those are my ex’s friends, just steer clear of them, no eye contact, no dancing, no fist pumping, nothing, got it?” I said hastily. They nodded in unison again. Good I was glad that was settled, it was getting late.

My watch read 4 A.M. How can this be? The bartenders are extraordinarily friendly for this time of night. They just grin at me and put another drink in my hand. “That will be 5 dollars.” Diabolic bastards, knowing damn well it was time for another drink. I went back to where I left Clutch and JB. Where did those bastards go?  I sighed heavily. In a panic I looked over to my ex’s friends. JB was engrossed in some ridiculous pick up line, Clutch stood there keeping an eye on him. I marched over and grabbed them both by the ears and dragged them away. Smiling back yelling, “Hey sorry yeah got to go!” JB confused, “What just happened?” “Well, out of the 200 people here, you picked the only two I said not to,” I said. “That was them!?” Clutch exclaimed. Lesson one, don’t tell your friends not to do something when they are drunk.

The bottom line:

Hours:  5 p.m. – 5 a.m.
Crowd:  Casual | Divey
Music: DJs | Karaoke
Price range:  $$
Accepts Credit Cards:  Yes
ATM: Yes
Dance floor:  Yes
Outdoor area: Yes
Coat check: No

This place is open until 5 A.M. They serve food up until around 4 A.M. There’s a cover to get in, and the food is semi-expensive for bar food. All this is completely acceptable. Music is your typical club scene, and there’s a small but ample dance floor. Women are savage by 5 and men are drunken fools. Anything is for the taking if you can keep cool.

A small side note: This place is open all week and is NOT just an after hours bar. Just thought a few people somewhere might care, as for everyone else this place only makes sense at 2 A.M.

709 South Warwick Road, Hi Nella, NJ 08083

Phone: (856) 627-5050.