“Are we having fun you fools?” – Skeletor
Drinking. Drinking never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the fermenting power of grain and water, booze has been spilled by drunks everywhere: from bars to garages to simple caves. In the year 2012, after millennia of drinking, the destructive nature of alcohol could sustain itself no longer. The world was plunged into an abyss of fire…wait, what the hell am I talking about.
JB contacted me earlier than usual. “Get Clutch, we’re Philly bound to see Skeletor,” said JB. I wasn’t sure what that meant but it never stopped me before. A short train ride and a few blocks later we arrived out front of the Trocadero Theater. Clutch and JB looked at each other. They were devil incarnates with grins to match. What exactly were we going to see?
We stomped our way up a set of steep stairs. I imagined some poor guy tumbling all the way down; that’s what hand rails were for jerk. An ominous red glow filled the room. Jumping Jesus! We were in the remains of 1940’s burlesque parlor after a fallout. The lighting was on par with a strip club giving everyone a healthy I’m not a delinquent glow. Patrons stopped what they were doing and stared at us; seconds later they returned to their drinks and casual conversations. “Don’t mind them, they’re waiting for Skeletor,” said JB. Clutch nodded in approval.
JB secured some $3 Pabst and hit on the hipster bartender. When have PBR or hipsters ever let anyone down? (that was rhetorical) Anxiety was setting in. Tonight was a karaoke gong show hosted by the living Skeleton himself. I couldn’t imagine a safer gig than this since He-Man has repeatedly kicked his ass all across Eterina. Another 30 minutes passed and still no Skeletor. What was he trying to do to the crowd? They were already dangerously excited. A few people even ran for the exit. They better watch those stairs.
Ongoing boredom got the best of us. With the help of several new friends around us and a healthy appetite for beer, we put our first attempt into PB-ART. As we placed the last can Skeletor made a thunderous entrance that sent the beeramid crashing to the ground, though JB swore it was just the gigantic women sitting down near us. We’ll never truly know, but at long last the show could begin.
“Guy’s just remember. The more vulgar and loud you are, the more accepted you are,” JB said with a serious tone. The crowd cheered and clapped as Skeletor made his way on stage. As the chants subsided there was a momentary silence in the room. “About time Skeletor!” I yelled. “Shut up you!!” Skeletor politely yelled back in his high pitched voice. The crowd erupted in laughter.
The first singer made his way on stage. “We gonna testify this shit!!!” said the guy. “What are we testifying this shit about? Oh it’s Rage Against the Machine,” replied Skeletor without hesitation. And so the heckling began. Skeletor stopped the guy mid song and demanded he sings the Laverne and Shirley theme with him instead. “Whatever it takes we will kill this shit,” said Skeletor with a high pitched evil laugh….’Give us any chance, we’ll take it…’”. JB belted out, “You just won…a free trip off stage!” Skeletor nodded in approval while taking a sip of his PBR through a straw. “Should we do the theme from Karate Kid?” Skeletor asked. “You don’t know that song!” yelled someone in the crowd. “Yes I would know that song! I am evil!” Skeletor snarled.
A few awful songs later Skeletor called up the next singers. “Will the Bronas Brothers please come on stage. It’s time for Miley Cyrus “Party In The U.S.A. Yes!” said Skeletor. I looked left and right hesitantly. I knew what was coming. Clutch and JB grinned and made a dash for the stage. They were a pair of giggling Japanese schoolgirls on stage. The song began and Skeletor gyrated and bobbled around on stage while commanding his minions to sing and dance along.
JB and Clutch finally met their evil childhood idol face to face. They made their way offstage and spoke in tongues, “SHITHAWASOME!”. The fame had gotten to their heads. The only remedy was a few more PBR and some poorly sung Spice Girls songs. Challengers to the gong continued to arise, but none survived like the Bronas Brothers. One by one they were sent to their doom by the evil incarnate known as Skeletor.
The bottom line:
Skeletor Karaoke is a ton of fun. It’s only once a month so check their site to see when. We highly recommend it if you’re looking for something fun and different. Drinks are cheap all night long and there is NO cover!
1003 Arch Street . Philadelphia 215-922-6888