“Have you ever been in a bar full of dickheads wearing St. Patty’s Day shirts and thought, Wow. What a great group of people?…We haven’t.” -Anon
It should come as little surprise that we don’t need a holiday to drink around here. Stumbling, slurring and hitting on women with bad pick up lines were already a part of our weekly routine. Who the hell needed St. Patrick’s Day as an excuse?
“Oh, but Zero, it’s fun! Just look at the parade!” said a voice in my head as I stared blankly at the Television. Two uncomfortable looking hosts took turns repeating themselves a dozen times during the parade. “WELL BY GOSH, THIS IS JUST SUCH A RICH CULTURAL EXPERINECE FOR EVERYONE TODAY.”
My mind snapped forward to the bartenders swamped with overly demanding drunks. God dammit, man, give me another green beer! I’ve only had twelve! You can’t stifle my right as an American celebrating Irish culture. You dastardly fiend! I demand Jameson as compensation for your narrow-mindedness!
The word BRAH would flow like the cheap drinks, right before fists flew at faces over who had the best blow out. “BRAH, WE R GUNNA THROW DOWN. YOU DON’T EVEN KNO HOW 2 SPIKE YER HAIR, BRAH.”
Chests would smash into each other, while girls with an orange glow would shriek, “ERMAHGERD DONT FIGHT YOU GUYZ. YOUR TOTES BES-FRANDS.”
At least fighting was a part of Irish heritage, they got something right.
I’d pray that sunset would mean a serene and peaceful end to horrible day, but when the stars appeared in the sky, Leprechaun Lunacy would set in. Some say it’s a myth, though I’ve seen it with my own eyes. It’s an ill fated, once a year, short lived disease, that involves crying, cursing, gurgling, hacking, coughing and projectile vomiting of green fluids, anywhere and everywhere.
Female Announcer: “WELL GEE, LOOK AT ALL THE SMILING FACES IN GREEN SHIRTS.”
Male Announcer: “I GUESS THEY STARTED TO CELEBRATE A LITTLE EARLY.”
“HAHAHA.” They both suddenly rang out with an unsettling laugh in unison.
I did what any rational person would do and contemplated smashing my television before I shut it off and crawled into bed. St. Patrick’s Day was going to be a special holiday for the TD2BD crew, but not one where we got hammered. Instead it’d be one where we all got some much needed rest after partying for 55+ weeks straight.
The bottom line:
Do everyone a favor, stay in. I recommend catching up on television or movies and having some soup and grilled cheese.