“You had me at omelets and whiskey.” – Zero Lives
I was no stranger to Teri’s Diner in the Italian Market. It was their confusing blend of omelets and whiskey that kept me on edge. Dr. Teri you sly bastard! You’ve done it again with your PhD in hangover recovery! I’d be sure to confront him with a warm stare and a firm handshake; afraid to ask where he obtained his degree. I could hear those quacks at Stanford making snide remarks; try the damn omelet you smug practitioners! You’ll see!
I shoved my way through the bustling crowd. The retro diner turned bar didn’t have much room for maneuvering. To the left refrigerators with beer to go, to the right patrons camped on stools. I hustled to the back, determined to find an open spot. A familiar sight caught my eye; Jayne Doe and Clutch were propped against the wall sipping a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Clutch looked surprised, “Yo! What are you doing here!?” asked Clutch. “Apparently this is a new hot spot, man. I came to check out this event,” I casually replied. Jayne nodded adding, “It’s the new hipster hide out!”
Tonight Ed Blammo and No Hands were spinning. Events and DJs shifted nightly at this place; you never knew what to expect. I turned around to order a drink at the bar. “WoooHAHHHH!!” a girl screamed while punching an invisible person and stomping the ground. She leapt around kicking and yelling in tongues. What the hell is this, what are you trying to say?! It was a course in strung out slam dancing that I hadn’t signed up for. With a click and a shift I backed away slowly from the girl towards the bar. THUD. No, this is a coffee machine, not the bar. Fucking coffee. The bartender gave me a peculiar look. “I’ll take a porter,” I said with determination. He eyed up the coffee machine then placed a Yards Porter in my hand. Close enough.
I rejoined Clutch and Jayne. They stared wide eyed at the bustling dance floor. “Good stuff, right?” yelled Jayne. The bar had a basic setup that tended to the simplistic party goers. The DJs however followed a playlist that far exceeded their dancing needs. “They’re going to dance right out of their pants!” Clutch added, pointing to the crazed dancers. I had little words for what I was witnessing. They were busting moves like a young MC, rowdy and ready to rumble.
It was a scene straight out of a 1980s flick. Hoodlums, hooligans and hipsters raged with joy as the DJs mashed up tunes from all eras. Everyone quickly bonded over shrieks of delight. They boarded the double dutch bus, bobbing and weaving. A man in a cut off flannel shirt bumped into me, “YO, YOU FEELING THE FLOW!!” I nodded. I couldn’t resist the flow. It was like the OG and ODB came down and thumped me on the head. He resumed his backwards moonwalk monkey dance. “LAAAASSST CALL!” the bartender suddenly yelled with his hands cupped to his mouth. The crowd ignored the bartender. The bartender squinted his eyes and shouted again; this time turning on the lights. No one cared about last call when 50 cent was demanding they party like it was their birthday.
I sighed heavily. Clutch stood against the wall watching strangers grind on strangers. Jayne grinned and pointed at a couple making out. I stared at my rapidly vanishing beer and shook my head. You can’t end a night on 50 Cent, Blammo. Suddenly Marvin Gay poured from the speakers; a sound that smoothly serenaded the crowd into a faded rest. There it was. Jayne slipped on her jacket. “That was one hell of a trippy dance party,” she said, mimicking her favorite dance moves of the night “Agreed,” Clutch and I simultaneously replied as we strolled out the door into the cold night.
The bottom line:
|Hours: 5 p.m. – 2 a.m.
|Price range: $
Accepts Credit Cards: Yes
|Dance floor: Yes
Outdoor area: No
Coat check: No
It’s a small bar off the typical beaten path of Philly. Looking for something different? A diner that’s a bar? A lot of hooligans and hipsters? Well here you go! Every first Saturday you can catch Ed Blammo and No Hands spinning one hell of a vicious set. Drinks are always fairly priced, with a decent selection of craft specialties for those who choose to switch it up. Check out Teri’s Facebook page to catch a glimpse of what’s coming soon.
1126 S 9th St, Philadelphia 19147
(Btwn Ellsworth St & Washington Ave)